the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
