3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
