I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
