Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
