It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
