don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
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That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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