I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
