I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
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After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
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My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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