Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
