Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
