dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
What drink are we having for lunch?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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