woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
