that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
