yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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