you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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