I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
