I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are two peas in an std pod
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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