There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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