I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
So squirting runs in the family.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
