Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
