My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
