i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
