You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
