Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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