The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
