I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
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Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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