bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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