Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
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I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
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I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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