i already hear my dad disowning me
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
