i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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