Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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