are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
