38 yer olds are good kisserssss
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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