Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
