Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize