Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
this beer tastes like vomit already
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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