You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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