everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
