Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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