Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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