I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
