Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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