her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
