i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
