didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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