There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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