it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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