Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
