In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
