The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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