just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
