can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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