he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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