She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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