My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
